108 Prostrations

I've just completed my first meditation retreat at the Gateless Gate Zen Center. Well not JUST, it was finished on Sunday afternoon. I've been interested in doing a weekend (or maybe even longer) retreat for some time now, and after the passing of my father that interest turned into need. This opportunity came up and I am so thankful that I took advantage of it.

I have to say that I really had no idea what I was getting into! I imagined that it would be intense, and well, intense it was. In more ways than one.

The day begins at 4:45am with 108 prostrations, or full bows, to the Buddha. The Buddha is kind of a metaphor here, we aren't bowing to the Buddha himself but are bowing to all mankind. Bowing to the acknowledge that we are of service, to acknowledge that there is something greater than the self or EGO. But during my 108 prostrations on the 2nd morning I found myself near panic and almost in tears. Wondering when the hell this was going to be over as the sweat dripped from my forehead. As I walked down the stairs after the bows were over, I made eye contact with the statue of Buddha and silently told him that I hated him. My ego was strong. I didn't care about the Buddha or being of service or anyone else, I just wanted to be back in bed, curled up and relaxed.

It only got worse from there (that is, until it got better...). Only a short 10 minute break before going upstairs to begin the morning rounds of chanting and meditation. I went back upstairs only slightly more relaxed and eased onto my cushion. It wasn't long before I felt uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. Pain in my leg, knee, hip. Dammit, how was I suppose to sit like this all day. And all I could concentrate or focus on was my uncomfortability. As soon as we stood up for our 10 minutes of walking meditation I bolted, escaping downstairs to the comfort of the couch. I spent about an hour on that couch. In tears. Wet, sobbing, uncontrollable tears as my dualities showed themselves and my split personalities had a nice knock-down drag out fight! I wanted to get the hell out of there... and fast! That was the problem, the "I", my ego.

Zen practice is about understanding your true nature, that all things in the universe are made from the same substance. It's about being open to the present. It's about overcoming (for lack of a better word) the sense of separation that occurs with identifying with "I, ME, or MINE". As I sat on that couch crying, I realized that my sense of self was much stronger than I thought. I didn't really need to be there anyway... I do alot of work on myself already, I didn't need this. HAH!

After my hour of tears and internal conflict I was encouraged by Claudia, the cook and my new friend, to go back upstairs for chanting. I did, relunctantly, and continued to cry loudly and abnoxiously as the others chanted. Until I stopped crying and began to chant as well. The chanting brought me out of myself, out of my head, and in unison with the others. Everything was going to be just ok. I was going to make it.

And make it I did. I not only made it but I learned alot about myself and my true nature.

I am looking forward to the next retreat.