The dramas of life

*SIGH* The only way to begin a blog of this nature is with a big, long SIGH. I have had a rough few weeks. Dealing with issues of life & death, nature vs. nurture, illness, and the big multi-dimensional thing called "RELATIONSHIP". We are all in relationship to one another, we are in relationship just as you read this blog. Inevitably you will have some feelings and judgements towards me based on these words that are written. Even indifference is a feeling.
Every single thing that we think, say or do have an effect on another being, or possibly on all beings, but I think it's safer for me to remain on the level of the "micro" cosm.
I am a yogi. I have read and try to follow the yoga sutras of patanjali. I follow also the teachings of Ramana Maharishi. I may also be a buddhist on some level. I listen to the teachings of the Buddha and they resonate with me. I may be little Advaita/ Vedanta as well. I have been to India and prayed to many Gods in many temples.
What I am getting at here is that all of these teachings have similar views and belief systems on reality/ unreality, and on death. Basically "I" am not my body, my Soul is my true form and has been living before coming to this body, this life... and will continue to live on after this body as decayed. I am light, energy, I am everything and nothing. Therefore how can I "die", I cannot.
Being confronted with the impending death of my father has brought many things to surface for me. I have realized that in the case of death, I want to live out the "dramas of life". I do not feel I am ready, at least at this time with this person, to have the understanding and viewpoint that the death of his body is fine, not a reality... just time for his soul to move on. This is difficult to explain... I will try. A friend just reminded me a few weeks ago that when Ramana Maharishi was on his death bed being eaten alive by cancer and clearly in pain, his many followers were by has bedside crying and suffering at the thought of losing him. Ramana said to them; why are you suffering, why are you crying, I am not going anywhere- there is nowhere for me to go. And I know this to be true, he has not gone anywhere, I have been to Mount Arunachala and have felt his presence. I imagine his presence may even be stronger now than when his body graced the land.
But as I see this body, the body of the man whose blood runs through my body, being eaten alive by cancer and suffering in pain, I cannot view it as anything other than real. I feel sadness and pain, and I want to ease his suffering. To tell him that death is not a reality, his pain is not a reality, and to truly feel that way and to be happy that he is passing into the next realm of his reality, I think would seem a bit insensitive.
I do have to comment though, on the way our Western society deals with death. Where is the respect for the person? There is such a mindset that we have to "save" everyone, yet at what expense? Where is the quality of life? How many of you have been in the presence of someone very sick, in the hospital dying, who has asked you to just let them die? Or worse yet, to kill them? Why do you think they are asking you that?
So, back to relationships. To say that my relationship with my father was strained would be putting it mildly. I have really not had a realtionship with him for many years, by choice. I have asked myself many times over the years how I would feel if he died. I have tried to imagine him dead to look for a response to this question. It is very different actually being confronted with the possibility than just imagining it... that much is true.
So, every single thing that we say or do has an effect on another human. What sort of effect are you having on those you are in relationship with? Are you even aware? What sort of effect woul you like to have?
The actions and words of this man, my father, had effects that cut deep wounds into my heart and cast shadows of darkness over me, some of which may remain for the rest of my life. I am grateful that I have chosen to follow the path of healing that I am now traveling upon, I have shed many layers of these old pains. I have also found the recognition that everything that has happened to me in my life, the good and the bad, have all been for the purpose of leading me to this moment. Right now. I believe there are no accidents in the universe, and I am truly grateful for all that I have been through. I would not be where I am, have learned what I have learned, been any of the places I have gone or met any of the amazing people that I have met if any 1 thing had gone differently.
So why has it been so hard for me to let go of these feelings, I can't even express the depth of negative emotions I have harbored, towards my father if I appreciate the experiences he brought me?
Because I am living this human drama. I am the little girl who just wanted to be loved. Who just wanted peace in her life. Who just wanted a father to be nice and good to her and to be there for her.
And what I have recently been able to open up to, since these hospital visits to my father have began, is that he is just the little boy who wanted to be loved. Who just wanted peace in his life. Who just wanted a father to be nice and good to him and to be there for him.
The cycle of abuse that continues itself until one can identify and heal from it.
This is a man who was doing the best that he knew how. He has much sadness and confusion, many deep wounds in his heart and shadows that have been over his head his entire life. He has endured much pain and suffering, physically and psycologically. Hmmm, maybe he knows that leaving this current life behind will bring him to the reality of bliss. It will certainly end the suffering.
I want to effect others with compassion. I want to help foster peace and comfort. I want to share love. I have been able to let myself open to sharing love with my father during this time of need. I did not realize how much being a person who wanted nothing to do with her father had become an identity for me. It is not easy to let an identity go after being attached to it for so long.
To quote Ghandi... "Hate the sin, love the sinner", "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is tha attribute of the strong.", "Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.".
*SIGH* As it began, so it ends. I am unsure as to how much longer my father will remain here, fighting this fight against cancer. One thing is for sure, he was always a fighter. I am grateful for this opportunity to be in relationship with him. I am grateful that in searching my soul I have found a softness towards him, that I have chosen to offer him comfort.
There is so much more that could be said... but in the end how real are words anyway?