Thursday, March 1, 2012
new blog
I have a new blog and will be dismantling this blog over the weekend. If you would like to follow my blog, it's Lisa Remy Integrative Healing, and can also be found through my website, www.lisaremy.com. Thanks!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Ahhhh.... nature beautiful
I have recently moved into a new house. Well actually, not a new house, a really OLD house in SE Gainesville. It is located on 9 luscious acres of special and loved land, and I feel at peace and inspired every moment that I am home. I feel grateful to have landed here and for all of the gifts in my life. That being said, I am finding it difficult to spend time checking emails, or spending any time on the computer. So..... I wanted to say hi.... and that's about it for this post.
I encourage you to create a space for yourself that brings feelings of peace and inspiration.... and take in all the feelings that come.... notice if your everyday routines become less important.
LOVE,
Lisa
I encourage you to create a space for yourself that brings feelings of peace and inspiration.... and take in all the feelings that come.... notice if your everyday routines become less important.
LOVE,
Lisa
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Just an update :)
My poor abandoned blog! How could I have left you so long without even a sentence? *Sigh* I guess that's what happens when I let myself get caught up in the business of life, instead of taking control and placing importance and focus on the things that matter the most to me. 2010. It is a fresh new year. I enter this new year with a heightened focus on all that matters most to me.
January 31 was my last day of employment at the Florida School of Massage. Out and off on my own to grow my massage business and teach more yoga. In December I had all these ideas of getting out and doing alot of marketing to make sure that I would have enough business to not fall on my face, and be able to pay my bills, once January came. Instead I decided to just ease into the New Year and have faith in the Universe that I would be ok. I am slowly building my clientele and getting a feel for what it is like to have my own practice, which is pretty cool. I am still teaching 2 yoga classes per week at Sanctuary, taking the time to study Ayurveda and take a Tuesday evening class, and most importantly I am spending more time teaching at Lowell as well as focusing my efforts on building our non profit.
If you were not aware; Kelly Dann, Leah Zissimopolous and myself are creating a non profit organization in order to expand our programs at Lowell Women's Correctional Facility. This is soon to become the largest women's prison in the state and there is much opportunity to be of service to adult and youth female offenders. Yoga and meditation are transformational practices that offer the opportunity for a more peaceful life. They offer ways to deal with issues such as anger and aggression, and how to look within yourself and accept what you find (among other things). These practices usually enhance ones ability to make better choices for themself. Seven out of ten prisoners that are released end up back in jail. If an inmate can develop new habits and skills for dealing with life before beng released, they may go on to lead a more productive life without returning to prison. We also would like to offer classes to the Correctional Officers and staff at Lowell, as we understand that working in a prison is a stressful environment, and yoga & meditation are wonderful at reducing stress.
Once we have established our non profit we will be able to fund raise so that we can buy much needed supplies such as yoga mats. We do need more yoga teachers in order to expand our programs, and hopefully we can offer a re-imbursement of gas money once we begin raising funds to make it more appealing for qualified instructors to volunteer.
I hope that the New Year is treating you as well as it is treating me. Each day I am grateful for all of the gifts that I have in my life. One of those gifts is the support of you, reading this blog, just taking the time to read what I have written. This is really just an update as I have been somewhat withdrawn lately. Enjoying my cocoon (and trying to enjoy all that cold weather we had). Be well and you will hear from me soon.... no more abandoned blog!
Love,
Lisa
January 31 was my last day of employment at the Florida School of Massage. Out and off on my own to grow my massage business and teach more yoga. In December I had all these ideas of getting out and doing alot of marketing to make sure that I would have enough business to not fall on my face, and be able to pay my bills, once January came. Instead I decided to just ease into the New Year and have faith in the Universe that I would be ok. I am slowly building my clientele and getting a feel for what it is like to have my own practice, which is pretty cool. I am still teaching 2 yoga classes per week at Sanctuary, taking the time to study Ayurveda and take a Tuesday evening class, and most importantly I am spending more time teaching at Lowell as well as focusing my efforts on building our non profit.
If you were not aware; Kelly Dann, Leah Zissimopolous and myself are creating a non profit organization in order to expand our programs at Lowell Women's Correctional Facility. This is soon to become the largest women's prison in the state and there is much opportunity to be of service to adult and youth female offenders. Yoga and meditation are transformational practices that offer the opportunity for a more peaceful life. They offer ways to deal with issues such as anger and aggression, and how to look within yourself and accept what you find (among other things). These practices usually enhance ones ability to make better choices for themself. Seven out of ten prisoners that are released end up back in jail. If an inmate can develop new habits and skills for dealing with life before beng released, they may go on to lead a more productive life without returning to prison. We also would like to offer classes to the Correctional Officers and staff at Lowell, as we understand that working in a prison is a stressful environment, and yoga & meditation are wonderful at reducing stress.
Once we have established our non profit we will be able to fund raise so that we can buy much needed supplies such as yoga mats. We do need more yoga teachers in order to expand our programs, and hopefully we can offer a re-imbursement of gas money once we begin raising funds to make it more appealing for qualified instructors to volunteer.
I hope that the New Year is treating you as well as it is treating me. Each day I am grateful for all of the gifts that I have in my life. One of those gifts is the support of you, reading this blog, just taking the time to read what I have written. This is really just an update as I have been somewhat withdrawn lately. Enjoying my cocoon (and trying to enjoy all that cold weather we had). Be well and you will hear from me soon.... no more abandoned blog!
Love,
Lisa
Friday, September 11, 2009
Time moves slowly...
You may or may not be aware that I have recently begun teaching yoga in prison. Lowell women's correctional facility to be exact. I teach every Friday morning as long as everything goes smoothly, and today things didn't quite go smoothly. I stood in the empty room that should have been filled with prisoners enjoying yoga for the 1 hour a week that they have that opportunity, looking out the window to see if they would be released. I had plenty of time to contemplate their life.
Time moves very slowly in prison. A minute feels like 10 minutes. 10 minutes feels like an hour. An hour feels like a day. What does a week feel like? How about 12 years? Life?
The first time that I went behind the gates was quite intimidating. I don't even know how many miles and layers of barbed wire surround the perimeters, but I can tell you it's alot. It's a very different and unnerving feeling being on the inside and surrounded by all that barbed wire. Although the more I go the less I notice it. You can get used to all sorts of things. So anyway, I was also intimidated to teach for the first time. I had no idea what to expect, how the women would respond to me and treat me, and I was so completely overwhelmed by the gratitude they expressed. I left that first day with the recognition that this was the best class I had ever taught. Let me clarify, this had nothing to do with my teaching. What I mean is that this was the most attentive, appreciative, most "wanting to do well" group people that I had ever taught. These women are sweet, intelligent, and did I mention appreciative?
Each week they thank me profusely for taking the time out of my day to be there to teach them. They want to make sure that I am will be back the next week. They tell me that Friday morning yoga from 9-10 is all that they have to look forward to all week. All week. They look forward to that one hour. Meditation is also available at the prison, through the Gateless Gate, on Thursdays. So some of them have meditation on Thursday and yoga on Friday to look forward to. All week.
So I sat there today for what felt like an eternity, waiting to see if we were going to get the chance to meet and practice some yoga. I looked out the window into the prison yard, and really took it all in. All of the buildings form a square, with doors to the housing units opening into the yard. There is a tall round guard tower, equiped with guards with guns, somewhere near the middle. There are also fences surrounding the yard with plenty of barbed wire at the top. There is a basketball court. And grassy area. There are alot of prisoners here and I couldn't help but notice that the yard really wasn't that large considering the number of people that had to share it. I looked up and noticed the beauty of the sky. Today was a lovely day with blue sky and white clouds. At least they have this, I thought, though I did keep catching the distraction of the barbed wire in my view as I looked up. I found myself wondering, if I were in that yard, would I be able to just lie on my back in the grass and look up at the sky without the barb wire being in my view. Could I just escape into the clouds, if only for awhile?
There are a few flower bushes planted in a row, spaced far apart. They are orange flowers, and only a couple per bush. I couldn't help but think, "that's it?". Why not have a more abundant garden, filled with vibrant and beautiful flowers. Maybe some plants to attract butterflies. Bring in a little more life, beauty and color. The prisoners, I thought, could maintain the garden. I imagine some would love the opportunity to dig their hands into the earth, gardening is extremely therapeutic. Then I went a step further and thought how wonderful it would be if they were able to have a vegetable garden. It seems money could be saved on food if they were able to grow alot of veggies there. Imagine how much pride it would bring the prisoners to be able to eat food that they had grown with their own hands and care. But there is that issue of space in the yard........
So I stood there contemplating these things as time ticked slowly by. I watched intently the doors to the units, hoping they would open and the women would come out, and I began to wonder what it looked like behind those doors. Behind those bars. I saw the faces of the women who I knew looked forward to nothing but this one hour, and I felt their anxiousness and anticipation. I wondered if they had any idea what was holding things up; I wondered if they knew what time it was and I knew that somehow they did.
I opened my heart to them and I felt it break. I felt the pain and heaviness, sadness. I felt these women.
About 9:40 my friend and partner in this venture, Kelly, showed up. She teaches in another building and fortunately knows her way around the buildings and the system much more than I. She has been working in the prison system for a long time now, me just a month now. So she arrived and told me what was going on, that they were not letting the women out because they did not have enough guards on duty to cover the grounds due to some being in a meeting and some being needed to transport prisoners to a different section. Before we walked out the door to leave I took one last look out the window and saw that the women were released and flooding the grounds. I was so conflicted, not wanting to leave yet not being able to teach the class, we only had till 10 and it was past 9:45. I saw 2 of the women that attend my class running. Running towards the building for class. One was much closer than the other and I waited for her to arrive.
"Is class cancelled today because they wouldn't let us out?" Yes, I am so sorry that it is, our time is up. "I am dying, I am so upset, I didn't get to have yoga last week (there was a meditation retreat happening and our class was cancelled) and now I don't get to have yoga this week, you're coming back next week, right?" Yes, I am coming back next week. I will keep coming back every week. I am so sorry. "It's ok, it's not your fault, thank you so much for coming". You are welcome. And thank you. Thank you for smile, I will think of it all day. I did. All day I thought about this woman who smiled and thanked me even though we didn't have class. Even though the one thing she looks forward to all week was taken away. Even though I could feel her broken heart.
Time moves very slowly in prison. I hope that some of these can find peace by taking in the beauty and mystery of the sky without the barbed wire getting in the way. After all, it is amazing what you can get used to, and these women have plenty of time to get used to things.
from my heart to yours,
Lisa
Time moves very slowly in prison. A minute feels like 10 minutes. 10 minutes feels like an hour. An hour feels like a day. What does a week feel like? How about 12 years? Life?
The first time that I went behind the gates was quite intimidating. I don't even know how many miles and layers of barbed wire surround the perimeters, but I can tell you it's alot. It's a very different and unnerving feeling being on the inside and surrounded by all that barbed wire. Although the more I go the less I notice it. You can get used to all sorts of things. So anyway, I was also intimidated to teach for the first time. I had no idea what to expect, how the women would respond to me and treat me, and I was so completely overwhelmed by the gratitude they expressed. I left that first day with the recognition that this was the best class I had ever taught. Let me clarify, this had nothing to do with my teaching. What I mean is that this was the most attentive, appreciative, most "wanting to do well" group people that I had ever taught. These women are sweet, intelligent, and did I mention appreciative?
Each week they thank me profusely for taking the time out of my day to be there to teach them. They want to make sure that I am will be back the next week. They tell me that Friday morning yoga from 9-10 is all that they have to look forward to all week. All week. They look forward to that one hour. Meditation is also available at the prison, through the Gateless Gate, on Thursdays. So some of them have meditation on Thursday and yoga on Friday to look forward to. All week.
So I sat there today for what felt like an eternity, waiting to see if we were going to get the chance to meet and practice some yoga. I looked out the window into the prison yard, and really took it all in. All of the buildings form a square, with doors to the housing units opening into the yard. There is a tall round guard tower, equiped with guards with guns, somewhere near the middle. There are also fences surrounding the yard with plenty of barbed wire at the top. There is a basketball court. And grassy area. There are alot of prisoners here and I couldn't help but notice that the yard really wasn't that large considering the number of people that had to share it. I looked up and noticed the beauty of the sky. Today was a lovely day with blue sky and white clouds. At least they have this, I thought, though I did keep catching the distraction of the barbed wire in my view as I looked up. I found myself wondering, if I were in that yard, would I be able to just lie on my back in the grass and look up at the sky without the barb wire being in my view. Could I just escape into the clouds, if only for awhile?
There are a few flower bushes planted in a row, spaced far apart. They are orange flowers, and only a couple per bush. I couldn't help but think, "that's it?". Why not have a more abundant garden, filled with vibrant and beautiful flowers. Maybe some plants to attract butterflies. Bring in a little more life, beauty and color. The prisoners, I thought, could maintain the garden. I imagine some would love the opportunity to dig their hands into the earth, gardening is extremely therapeutic. Then I went a step further and thought how wonderful it would be if they were able to have a vegetable garden. It seems money could be saved on food if they were able to grow alot of veggies there. Imagine how much pride it would bring the prisoners to be able to eat food that they had grown with their own hands and care. But there is that issue of space in the yard........
So I stood there contemplating these things as time ticked slowly by. I watched intently the doors to the units, hoping they would open and the women would come out, and I began to wonder what it looked like behind those doors. Behind those bars. I saw the faces of the women who I knew looked forward to nothing but this one hour, and I felt their anxiousness and anticipation. I wondered if they had any idea what was holding things up; I wondered if they knew what time it was and I knew that somehow they did.
I opened my heart to them and I felt it break. I felt the pain and heaviness, sadness. I felt these women.
About 9:40 my friend and partner in this venture, Kelly, showed up. She teaches in another building and fortunately knows her way around the buildings and the system much more than I. She has been working in the prison system for a long time now, me just a month now. So she arrived and told me what was going on, that they were not letting the women out because they did not have enough guards on duty to cover the grounds due to some being in a meeting and some being needed to transport prisoners to a different section. Before we walked out the door to leave I took one last look out the window and saw that the women were released and flooding the grounds. I was so conflicted, not wanting to leave yet not being able to teach the class, we only had till 10 and it was past 9:45. I saw 2 of the women that attend my class running. Running towards the building for class. One was much closer than the other and I waited for her to arrive.
"Is class cancelled today because they wouldn't let us out?" Yes, I am so sorry that it is, our time is up. "I am dying, I am so upset, I didn't get to have yoga last week (there was a meditation retreat happening and our class was cancelled) and now I don't get to have yoga this week, you're coming back next week, right?" Yes, I am coming back next week. I will keep coming back every week. I am so sorry. "It's ok, it's not your fault, thank you so much for coming". You are welcome. And thank you. Thank you for smile, I will think of it all day. I did. All day I thought about this woman who smiled and thanked me even though we didn't have class. Even though the one thing she looks forward to all week was taken away. Even though I could feel her broken heart.
Time moves very slowly in prison. I hope that some of these can find peace by taking in the beauty and mystery of the sky without the barbed wire getting in the way. After all, it is amazing what you can get used to, and these women have plenty of time to get used to things.
from my heart to yours,
Lisa
Monday, September 7, 2009
Finding Peace in Northeast Georgia
Thich Nhat Hanh. What a beautiful and amazing spirit.
I love to read books. I could spend hours in a book store, just walking past and gently touching the spines of books, pulling out to look at the ones that draw my attention. I am never disappointed when I find a book this way. This is how I found Thich Nhat Hanh, somewhere around a year and a half ago. I pulled this book off the shelf by this Vietnamese Buddhist Monk that I had never heard of before and opened to a random page. The words on this page were captivating and beautiful. I had to get this book. I brought it home and read it, and had to learn more about this spirit who wrote it.
With all that he has contributed I was truly surprised that I had never heard of him before. I could go on and on, but that is not what this blog is about. So, to borrow a quote from Paul Davenport, "more on that later" (or you can research him yourself, visit www.plumvillage.org).
Fast forwarding to this past weekend, I had the opportunity to go to a retreat in Georgia in the tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh. The retreat was hosted by 2 nuns from Plum Village, and the father of one of these nuns who is also a teacher in the tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh. this tradition is all about mindfulness and being present, and this is what we focused on all weekend.
First I have to say that I cannot get the image of Sister Jewel, a nun who was been living the monastic life since 1997 beginning at Plum Village, out of my head. I saw her from a distance, and her smile penetrated to the root of my soul. I have never seen a more genuine, radiant, beaming smile; shining like a ray of light to hug all who could see it with warmth. This is a person who has found peace. Who is peace. Just being in her presence and the presence of Sister Peace, another beaming ray of light, was enough to bring a calming effect to my spirit. The father of Sister Jewel, Al Lingo, has peircing blue eyes that truly see you when they look. He is in his 70's yet has a youthful spirit and vigor. He has a way with words that come from many years of being a Christian minister before becoming a dharma teacher, and he has worked as a therapist for many years as well. This is a man who worked with Martin Luther King for a year and a half during the civil rights movement. Wow.
These 3 talented, peaceful spirits led the most wonderful retreat in the mountains in Georgia. Breathing in, breathing out, I know I am present. A weekend of just focusing on the breath and remembering that the past and future (thoughts of) prevent you from enjoying what is here right now. We meditated, sang songs, took walks and looked at the moonlight. We practiced yoga and thai chi, sat by a pond, ate meals in silence. We had wonderful discussions and appreciated each other's presence. PRESENCE. (Breathing in, breathing out =)). We practiced deep relaxation and touching the earth. I have not felt so calm and at peace in a long time.
I can keep this peace with me in my daily life, I need only to remember to be mindful. Mindful of my breath, mindful of the moment, mindful of each activity I engage in. I'd like to share a song that we learned at the retreat...
Breathing In, Breathing Out
Breathing in, breathing out (2x)
I am blooming as a flower, I am fresh as the dew
I am solid as a mountain, I am firm as the earth
I am free.
Breathing in, breathing out (2x)
I am water, reflecting what is real, what is true,
And I feel there is space deep inside of me
I am free, I am free, I am free.
all my love,
Lisa
I love to read books. I could spend hours in a book store, just walking past and gently touching the spines of books, pulling out to look at the ones that draw my attention. I am never disappointed when I find a book this way. This is how I found Thich Nhat Hanh, somewhere around a year and a half ago. I pulled this book off the shelf by this Vietnamese Buddhist Monk that I had never heard of before and opened to a random page. The words on this page were captivating and beautiful. I had to get this book. I brought it home and read it, and had to learn more about this spirit who wrote it.
With all that he has contributed I was truly surprised that I had never heard of him before. I could go on and on, but that is not what this blog is about. So, to borrow a quote from Paul Davenport, "more on that later" (or you can research him yourself, visit www.plumvillage.org).
Fast forwarding to this past weekend, I had the opportunity to go to a retreat in Georgia in the tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh. The retreat was hosted by 2 nuns from Plum Village, and the father of one of these nuns who is also a teacher in the tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh. this tradition is all about mindfulness and being present, and this is what we focused on all weekend.
First I have to say that I cannot get the image of Sister Jewel, a nun who was been living the monastic life since 1997 beginning at Plum Village, out of my head. I saw her from a distance, and her smile penetrated to the root of my soul. I have never seen a more genuine, radiant, beaming smile; shining like a ray of light to hug all who could see it with warmth. This is a person who has found peace. Who is peace. Just being in her presence and the presence of Sister Peace, another beaming ray of light, was enough to bring a calming effect to my spirit. The father of Sister Jewel, Al Lingo, has peircing blue eyes that truly see you when they look. He is in his 70's yet has a youthful spirit and vigor. He has a way with words that come from many years of being a Christian minister before becoming a dharma teacher, and he has worked as a therapist for many years as well. This is a man who worked with Martin Luther King for a year and a half during the civil rights movement. Wow.
These 3 talented, peaceful spirits led the most wonderful retreat in the mountains in Georgia. Breathing in, breathing out, I know I am present. A weekend of just focusing on the breath and remembering that the past and future (thoughts of) prevent you from enjoying what is here right now. We meditated, sang songs, took walks and looked at the moonlight. We practiced yoga and thai chi, sat by a pond, ate meals in silence. We had wonderful discussions and appreciated each other's presence. PRESENCE. (Breathing in, breathing out =)). We practiced deep relaxation and touching the earth. I have not felt so calm and at peace in a long time.
I can keep this peace with me in my daily life, I need only to remember to be mindful. Mindful of my breath, mindful of the moment, mindful of each activity I engage in. I'd like to share a song that we learned at the retreat...
Breathing In, Breathing Out
Breathing in, breathing out (2x)
I am blooming as a flower, I am fresh as the dew
I am solid as a mountain, I am firm as the earth
I am free.
Breathing in, breathing out (2x)
I am water, reflecting what is real, what is true,
And I feel there is space deep inside of me
I am free, I am free, I am free.
all my love,
Lisa
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Cultivating Peace Within
I am feeing very nurtured right now. My bedroom windows are open and there is a slight breeze. I can hear the birds sing and the crickets chirp. The air is fresh and I am at peace. This morning I worked out at Go Primal Fitness with my friends. We had good conversation and a really tough workout. The kind that leaves you feeling really strong when it's over. I came home and made myself a yummy smoothie, packed with fruits and veggies.
This led me to check in and notice that I really feel good inside.
I haven't had an alcoholic beverage in about 5 weeks now. I don't drink much anymore, but when I do I have trouble sleeping and feel a little funky inside, and along with that comes guilt over drinking which troubles my mind. In addition I have been doing alot of cooking and eating really fresh foods. All I ever drink is water (and the occasional tea), and I have increased my intake over the past few weeks. I have totally cut down on sugar, and when I have eaten it I have done so in a mindful way, knowing that it was totally appropriate for me at the time. There is so much more satisfaction in that then just popping it like a drug at all times.
I have been playing with food for a few years now. Playing in the way of noticing how I am affected by it. I have gone up and down rollercoasters with my moods, emotions, and digestive system as I have played this game of food experimentation. It truly is amazing and true how each thing that I put into my body has an overall effect on my entire system. When the digestion is going hay-wire, you can bet so is the nervous system, mind, and your attitude towards life.
The more happy and peaceful my digestive system is, the more nurtured I am by my foods, the more happy and peaceful I am overall. What a concept.
Love,
Lisa
This led me to check in and notice that I really feel good inside.
I haven't had an alcoholic beverage in about 5 weeks now. I don't drink much anymore, but when I do I have trouble sleeping and feel a little funky inside, and along with that comes guilt over drinking which troubles my mind. In addition I have been doing alot of cooking and eating really fresh foods. All I ever drink is water (and the occasional tea), and I have increased my intake over the past few weeks. I have totally cut down on sugar, and when I have eaten it I have done so in a mindful way, knowing that it was totally appropriate for me at the time. There is so much more satisfaction in that then just popping it like a drug at all times.
I have been playing with food for a few years now. Playing in the way of noticing how I am affected by it. I have gone up and down rollercoasters with my moods, emotions, and digestive system as I have played this game of food experimentation. It truly is amazing and true how each thing that I put into my body has an overall effect on my entire system. When the digestion is going hay-wire, you can bet so is the nervous system, mind, and your attitude towards life.
The more happy and peaceful my digestive system is, the more nurtured I am by my foods, the more happy and peaceful I am overall. What a concept.
Love,
Lisa
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
108 Prostrations
I've just completed my first meditation retreat at the Gateless Gate Zen Center. Well not JUST, it was finished on Sunday afternoon. I've been interested in doing a weekend (or maybe even longer) retreat for some time now, and after the passing of my father that interest turned into need. This opportunity came up and I am so thankful that I took advantage of it.
I have to say that I really had no idea what I was getting into! I imagined that it would be intense, and well, intense it was. In more ways than one.
The day begins at 4:45am with 108 prostrations, or full bows, to the Buddha. The Buddha is kind of a metaphor here, we aren't bowing to the Buddha himself but are bowing to all mankind. Bowing to the acknowledge that we are of service, to acknowledge that there is something greater than the self or EGO. But during my 108 prostrations on the 2nd morning I found myself near panic and almost in tears. Wondering when the hell this was going to be over as the sweat dripped from my forehead. As I walked down the stairs after the bows were over, I made eye contact with the statue of Buddha and silently told him that I hated him. My ego was strong. I didn't care about the Buddha or being of service or anyone else, I just wanted to be back in bed, curled up and relaxed.
It only got worse from there (that is, until it got better...). Only a short 10 minute break before going upstairs to begin the morning rounds of chanting and meditation. I went back upstairs only slightly more relaxed and eased onto my cushion. It wasn't long before I felt uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. Pain in my leg, knee, hip. Dammit, how was I suppose to sit like this all day. And all I could concentrate or focus on was my uncomfortability. As soon as we stood up for our 10 minutes of walking meditation I bolted, escaping downstairs to the comfort of the couch. I spent about an hour on that couch. In tears. Wet, sobbing, uncontrollable tears as my dualities showed themselves and my split personalities had a nice knock-down drag out fight! I wanted to get the hell out of there... and fast! That was the problem, the "I", my ego.
Zen practice is about understanding your true nature, that all things in the universe are made from the same substance. It's about being open to the present. It's about overcoming (for lack of a better word) the sense of separation that occurs with identifying with "I, ME, or MINE". As I sat on that couch crying, I realized that my sense of self was much stronger than I thought. I didn't really need to be there anyway... I do alot of work on myself already, I didn't need this. HAH!
After my hour of tears and internal conflict I was encouraged by Claudia, the cook and my new friend, to go back upstairs for chanting. I did, relunctantly, and continued to cry loudly and abnoxiously as the others chanted. Until I stopped crying and began to chant as well. The chanting brought me out of myself, out of my head, and in unison with the others. Everything was going to be just ok. I was going to make it.
And make it I did. I not only made it but I learned alot about myself and my true nature.
I am looking forward to the next retreat.
I have to say that I really had no idea what I was getting into! I imagined that it would be intense, and well, intense it was. In more ways than one.
The day begins at 4:45am with 108 prostrations, or full bows, to the Buddha. The Buddha is kind of a metaphor here, we aren't bowing to the Buddha himself but are bowing to all mankind. Bowing to the acknowledge that we are of service, to acknowledge that there is something greater than the self or EGO. But during my 108 prostrations on the 2nd morning I found myself near panic and almost in tears. Wondering when the hell this was going to be over as the sweat dripped from my forehead. As I walked down the stairs after the bows were over, I made eye contact with the statue of Buddha and silently told him that I hated him. My ego was strong. I didn't care about the Buddha or being of service or anyone else, I just wanted to be back in bed, curled up and relaxed.
It only got worse from there (that is, until it got better...). Only a short 10 minute break before going upstairs to begin the morning rounds of chanting and meditation. I went back upstairs only slightly more relaxed and eased onto my cushion. It wasn't long before I felt uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. Pain in my leg, knee, hip. Dammit, how was I suppose to sit like this all day. And all I could concentrate or focus on was my uncomfortability. As soon as we stood up for our 10 minutes of walking meditation I bolted, escaping downstairs to the comfort of the couch. I spent about an hour on that couch. In tears. Wet, sobbing, uncontrollable tears as my dualities showed themselves and my split personalities had a nice knock-down drag out fight! I wanted to get the hell out of there... and fast! That was the problem, the "I", my ego.
Zen practice is about understanding your true nature, that all things in the universe are made from the same substance. It's about being open to the present. It's about overcoming (for lack of a better word) the sense of separation that occurs with identifying with "I, ME, or MINE". As I sat on that couch crying, I realized that my sense of self was much stronger than I thought. I didn't really need to be there anyway... I do alot of work on myself already, I didn't need this. HAH!
After my hour of tears and internal conflict I was encouraged by Claudia, the cook and my new friend, to go back upstairs for chanting. I did, relunctantly, and continued to cry loudly and abnoxiously as the others chanted. Until I stopped crying and began to chant as well. The chanting brought me out of myself, out of my head, and in unison with the others. Everything was going to be just ok. I was going to make it.
And make it I did. I not only made it but I learned alot about myself and my true nature.
I am looking forward to the next retreat.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
